I keep waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I’m on my way.
When I think it’s time to leave it all behind,
I try to find a way to, but there’s nothing I can say
To make it stop.
– Phish, “Down With Disease”
“And I’m tired of making friends
And I’m tired of making time
I’m sick to death of love
And I’m sick to death of trying”
– Old 97s, “Salome”
The brass ring blurs by until it is just a streak, a forgotten part of the scenery. I’m not just tired of this ride; the whole theme park bores me to death.
Everywhere the bombs are falling, the deus ex machina solution for stories we are too lazy to finish. They are falling outside the window, blossoming like exploding hearts. A bomb falls into my cereal bowl and the cold milk splashes across my face, waking me up.
I finished the puzzle the other day. Damn thing took years to sort out. When it was done I went and superimposed it over the vacant lot. Now it is a welcoming scene of a park, with people moving in and out. Someone is flying a kite on the other side of a hill. Children are playing near the fountain.
At home there is another puzzle. There is always another one.
In her presence language abandoned me and I became a stare, a gaping child. I could sense the flames in the next room licking their way up the curtains, but I didn’t care. Someone has stolen a fantasy of mine and installed it in an apartment here in town…
I see that the Granite Industries knock-off has once again tracked me down to this site. He even tried to create an account in my name. Fortunately my countermeasures were successful and he’s been blocked. His photo still shows up, though, which could prove confusing to other people.
And so the day approaches on swift shadowy feet. The irony of Halloween is not lost on me. The one day (or space of 12 hours, I should say) during which I am able to revert to my true form. I will float, the one true face in a sea of masks and deceptions.
With my luck I’ll probably run into Iago at the Anodyne or maybe Liquid Lounge. Hopefully it will be too early for him to be drunk and he won’t challenge me to a duel again. You simply cannot parry an epee AND do shots of Goldschlager at the same time.
And the Fae will surely be out that evening, called by the night. I must be cautious.
So here I am on MySpace again, against my better judgment. Once again I was swayed by the superior sex. Perhaps this time things won’t go down as they did before, what with the pillar of fire and the hostages. Poor Sven took a dagger in the back for me. Ironically it was the same blade I had given Cherise on the anniversary of her marriage to the duke.
Well, we shall see what transpires this time around.
…I first met you and I tried to be charming by complementing you on your business attire
…we discovered we had both lived in Delmar at the same time and kept trying to figure out if we had ever crossed paths before
…I was so excited to discover you liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that Thor was your favorite comic book hero
…you taught me it was okay to send food back at restaurants
…Luara told me that you liked me and I should ask you out, but I was too scared because I was still crazy
…I would leave happy hour if you left because I didn’t see any point in staying if you weren’t going to be there
…I was desperately lonely and the only thing I looked forward to was seeing you at happy hour
…I first met Eva at Stella Blue and I was just so happy to see her
…I decided that, amongst all the new people I was meeting, you would be the only person I confided in
…we sat in the parking lot because my car had overheated and I told you the only reason I came to happy hour was to see you
…I started to freak out at the theater when we were waiting to see Spider-man 2 and I couldn’t wait until you got there because you were the only person who could keep me grounded
…it was easier to end my friendship with Jess knowing I had a true friend who believed in me and encouraged me
…you could always make me smile
…I would linger in front of your refrigerator, staring at the photo of you in the blue dress because I thought you looked so beautiful
…we fixed your ceiling fan and it turned out to be a bigger task than anticipated
…I almost moved to a different apartment because you made it sound like such a good idea
…I helped you plot against Mike by making those cat postcards
…I cut down on smoking because I knew you didn’t like it and I eventually quit
…I stopped going to the gym because I didn’t want to be there without you
…I would make you CDs and DVDs of anything you seemed even mildly interested in to show you that I liked you
…I held your hand while you got a tattoo
…I obtained the complete Radiohead discography so I could have something for you to listen to when you came over
…I took you to see Napoleon Dynamite, but it was sold out and we ended up having a wonderful time anyway
…we had a candlelit dinner complete with key lime pie
…Bob asked me if you made the pain in my chest go away and I said “yes”
…you talked me out of buying you a gym membership so I could buy food instead
…we were stuck inside my car during the downpour at 3-sided Whole and we were wearing those crazy silver costumes covered in mud and I just laughed and laughed because I felt so happy to be with you
…I would sing little doggie songs to Eva when you were in the shower or out of earshot
…I let you talk me into experimenting with hair products
…you taught me about jamokes and snapperheads
…I would find out interesting stuff for you on the internet
…we spent the day wandering around downtown after eating at the Gold Street Cafe
…we walked to the park by your house and everything was bright and wonderful and we played on the playground
…we made refrigerator poetry
…we were at Hastings and I stole an order form from the Metalsmith magazine so I could secretly order a subscription for you, hoping it would inspire you
…we went to Ozzfest and had seats in the seventh row and I headbanged to groups I never heard before and we were stuck in the parking lot forever and our ears rang for days afterwards
…I sang “I wish I were a little bar of soap”
…we lay out on the hood of my car watching falling stars
…even though I had grown up with people telling me I was horrible, evil and worthless, when I was with you, for a short while, I believed that I was not
…I made a list of happy memories because I already missed you and was so sorry for how I made you feel and I hoped it would help you still want to be friends with me